Birthday 32

So I am 32 and no where near where I thought I would be a year ago. I thought and prayed that I would be still in New Mexico and working out my master theses, possibly on John Donne, who is a poet with a seedy past, who turned his life around and became amazing preacher.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend

Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.

I, like an usurpt town, to another due,

Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,

Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,

But am betroth'd unto your enemy:

Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,

Take me to you, imprison me, for I

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
John Donne

I have had the Lord shut the door on those dreams (hopefully for only a time being, and some day they will open again.) The Lord has given me new ones, I don't know where they will go but He will be there and that is all that matters.
Those dreams are, I have found hope again. I had lost my hope for a future, I believed that my dreams which had been promised to me were done. When ever a meet someone, who I had any a mount of romantic feelings for I was so worried and scared that I would freak out, but in this year that has end or at lest with this round ( and don't think anything will come of it but the peace which has come this this flirtation is amazing and if that is the only lesson I learn than its a good thing.)

That is biggest dream I have found and learned to not give up hope.

Another "J"

So in the last few weeks I have found myself enjoying a little bit of light flirting with a co-worker of my, who joined my work while I was off in the Land of Enchantment. This Guy, who seems like and truly nice guy not only does he fall into another “J” on my list of “J” (why do like guys with “J” names, I ask myself for the millionth time, because they tend to be bad news for me), but he is cute, sweet, and I get truly honest good guy vibe off him. Now I come to find out he is engaged (thank you Lord for my BA in English and research skills, yes some people call it stalking, details, details people). Part of me wanted to tell him to go fark himself and look in the mirror, or did I miss read the signals. I don’t think I miss read anything, but he might have gotten the wrong impression that I was “That Kind of Girl”, while to the anther “J” the answer is fark no!!!

 I have standers, I may still may be learning what flirting is in some ways still and my ability to judge a guy ignitions may not be the greatest, but I am a wonderfully made being in the image of my heavenly father and I am loved by Him. That is what matters. I now know that guys who can cook are sexy and have dish pan hands are hot, but I will not let that fool me again. I am not the kind of woman, who goes after guys in relationships because I have been the other woman once, not by choice I had no clue at the time, but hated myself two years later when I found out. A guy, who flirts with other women, while they are in a relationship, just bad news, and what sadden me is that this “J” is teaching his daughters that it’s okay for a man to do this and it’s not. Any man who does even with good intentions is a not only a jerk, but has not respect for women or himself, let alone the sanctity of a relationship (at any level).

Women, who are like me and fell that we are somewhat cursed to be single, we have to come together and stand strong. I am coming to the conclusion that girlfriends are for friendships, and guys are not, but are for dating. I miss the close knit group I left behind in the Land of Enchantment and on the Mountain.  I know if they were here they would have gone out and solved “J” statist a long time ago.  I also think we have forgotten in our culture and time, what we need to do and that we are not in competition together but sisters standing for our Lord.