The year, which changed everything. This time last
year, I was stuck in the Land of Enchantment with almost no friends and feeling
lost. I have been blessed with a close knit group of friends, we try to spend
at least one night a week together watching movies or just hanging out being
girls. I have grown closer to my surrogate sister and had to hold her hand as
she deals with her own heart break. My other
surrogate sister who I only met a year ago, I have had to hold her hand as she
has experienced more death in six months than anyone deserves and still managed
to stand strong. Now I feel that all my closest friends have reached mile stones
some good, more bad but all points that I know the Lord will use for his glory.
“Surely there is a future, And your hope will not be cut off. “ Proverbs 23:18
What I have learned this year, in no particular order
·Be Brave and Trust in the Lord
·The Lord is in Control of every storm
·That the Lord has a Plan for every heart
break
·And you can learn from every person you
meet, even if you chose to keep them at arm’s length
·You can gain peace from rejection
·Loving people who hurt others is hard
·Forgiving people is hard, but loving after
forgiving is harder
·Truth is beautiful
·The old saying is true, you catch more
flies with honey than you do vinegar
·Your Ex’s make for great inspiration for
stories
Things that I need to learn in the next year, or however
long it takes
“5Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the
most of the opportunity.6Let your speech always be with grace,as though seasoned with salt, so that you will
know how you should respond to each person.” Colossians 4:5-6
·Love everyone, even the hypocrites; love them more when
want strangle them
·Always look for the light as you walk through the woods
·The Lord is the always in control
·The Lord has a better plan for you than the one you write
for yourself
·Hard work can pay off
·How to edit my own work and find a comma splice and run-ons
·How to apply literary theory to literature
·How to Trust in the Lord with all my heart
·Enjoy your relationships where there at, and let God lead
them forward. And not you or your well-meaning friends.
I have many things to learn and most of my lesson I need to learn are
more about trust, which has more with many of my deep rooted problems. This
next year will be a year that changes everything, I will either move forward in
academia or have to let the Lord close another door in my life. I will see my
relationships change and my circle of friends move forward with life whether we
like it or not. We will have to trust in the Lord, because life is changing and
new roads are being made, life will show its colors and the painting will be a master
piece even if we cannot see it now. I pray that in the years to come I will look
on this coming year with joy, hope and faith. Life will change and God will be
given glory.
It is not even three weeks into the school year, and people
are hurting.
·One Guy is hurting or somewhat depressed not
sure which or Why
·Two Girls have been cheated on by their boyfriends
·Three people have been killed in connection to a
car accident
· Four
people have roommate issues
·And much more…
All of this has happen with in my circle of friends (which
means if you know the names of the people mention please do not bring up the
names or spread gossip) with in the last week and just show me how much pain there
is on my campus. So many people are
hurting and this pains me to see, since as fellow believers we should comforting
each other and loving on each other, but in stead we are hurting and pulling
others down and looking down on the non-believers with such hate that you could
power a small country if we could hooked you up to a generator.
You will rarely see me look back on my NTBI days with joy
since how painful my exit was, but one thing I do remember fondly is “Random Conversations”
we would about once a semester or more, all of my friends would end up on the
stage in the auditorium and sit in a circle and talk, with no judgement, no malice,
no hate but just letting go and giving God our pain and praying for each other
and nothing would go beyond that stage. We would talk about everything under
the sun from movies and crazy thing happening, but would always end up to how
can, I pray for you, not your roommate, not your random friend, not your random
cousin, but you.
I don’t see this happening on my campus and I would like to
see this start, so if you want to join me tomorrow in the park at six in the
evening please do and we can love on each other as Jesus did with no judgement,
no malic and no hatred.
As some of you may know, I have lived all over this country
and have friends, from many backgrounds and all branches of Christianity. One
of my friends from MS recently shared an online magazine article, Here’s How the New Christian Left is
Twisting the Gospel, by Chelsen Vicari. Vicari makes a few valid points, if
not general points, yes: members of the Millennials generation is leaving, in
larger numbers, Vicari places the blame on the “traditional” church, pop
culture, and that they are taking Christ out of church.
The first big issue with Vicari argument is she splits
the church into political parties, then splits the “left wing” Christian into
three different groups, couch potato Christians, Cafeteria style Christians,
and Conventional Christians (what she is).
Vicari main issue is that all Millennials generation, who have left “traditional”
churches, because they believe homosexuality is not a sin, sexuality, coexistent
are all just fine and dandy things. Vicari states,
“Millennials' religious practices depend largely on how the
actions make us and othersfeel, whether the activities are biblical or not. For example, we
only attend churches that leave us feeling good about our lifestyle choices,
even if those choices conflict with God's clear commandments. We dismiss old
hymns that focus on God's transforming salvation, love and mercy and opt for "Jesus
is your boyfriend" songs,”
This statement is very one side view, and largely diminish the
strengths of this generation, my generation. My Millennials
generation, is a generation, which is about being, who truly are and not being fake
and not judging people because of that, which is very much a Christ like attitude,
which is something that traditional churches don’t always do. There was a story
of a rant coming from one of my undergrad biblical professors, who thought that
any worship leader, who followed the trend not ware shoes to remind them that
the church is holy ground, was a great disrespect to the church. For many Millennials it is not about feeling
good, but about being real. I am the first to say that some may take this too
far, but most that I know this not the case. We believe homosexuality is wrong
and a sin, but only way to reach that people group is by love, just like Christ
did he would not have judge a roman male, who kept slave for homosexual
reasons, he would have loved just as he was because he was created in His Fathers
image. If this a liberal view point, so call me a liberal. I currently serve on
a worship team, and know that we would never sing songs about Jesus be our
boyfriend, not only would a little odd with the other three members being straight
males, but because we don’t see worship like that again Vicari is generalizing and
throwing a whole generation under the bus.
Vicari, does make the point that Millennials generation
was taken to church by their families, but what she forgot point out that the
past generation was also a swing generation, leaving free love Hippies of the
60’s to the extreme conservatism of the 80’s they threw the baby out with bath
water, and said that everything, which came out of 60’s was bad. The Millennials
generation, went back to a few hippie trends like, organic food, green living
and environmental conservation neither of wings would say that these trends are
bad things, if not taken to extremes. This
movement is just another movement of the pendulum, going the other way of the
past generation, could this swing go too far maybe. What we must find is a balance
of strong doctrine, based in the truth of word of God and not in the legalism
of man, which very much rampant in the “traditional” church that Vicari is such
strong supporter for. What need to do is stop this swinging and find the balance
of Love your neighbor as yourself, which is the second greatest commandment,
the other is love God as yourself.
Vicari would like to argue that the Millennials
generation is taking Christ out of the church, but I would like to argue from
my personal experience that they are bring back, Christ to the church, how they
are not a judgmental group, who love as Christ loved.
All kidding aside, there are a lot
of things that a single person can say about being single on a day “Cough hallmark” dedicated to love. This a day that can sad, gilt filled and just flat out
suck, lets be real here, but that’s only if a person lets it. As a single person
I am told that I should be content in my singleness, which is easier said than
done. If I had a dollar for ever time some told me to be content in my
singleness I could pay off my college loans, but does not make it any less true
if some people who told me just did rub their significant other in my face. But girls, guys here is the thing that “they”
don’t tell you it does not mean you can’t want to be married or in a
relationship, it just means that are fine with the right now and you are living
in the present and not in the future or in the past. It means that you will not lower your standers
for Mr. or Miss right now, it means that you are not bitter about those, who
have broken our hearts. It means that no matter what comes, I have faith that
can move mountains, even if feels like can’t even move a grain of sand on some
days it does not change what I have and that my God has a plan for me.
Proverbs 23:18New International Version
(NIV)
18 There is
surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be
cut off.
Philippians 1:6New International Version (NIV)
6 being confident of this,
that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completionuntil the day of Christ Jesus.
Isaiah 25:1New International Version (NIV)
Lord, you
are my God; I will
exalt you and praise your name, for
in perfect faithfulness you
have done wonderful things, things
plannedlong ago.
It may seem on days like this when you want kill everything
reminds you are still not the place “they” say you should be, you are where God
wants you and He has plan for you.
I have written about the “they”, but it is the “They”, which
have created the mold, that says that I should have a “real job,” I should have
a “real boyfriend,” I should have a mold to which I need to fit into, but I
have never been that. I have never fit into any mold, be that of the one which
secular world says I should be in, but also the one which the other extreme
says I should be in that extreme is moderate or ultra-conservative Christian movement
says I should be in. I call myself a Christian because I believe what the bible
says is true, that there is only one way to heaven and that is through justification
by Christ sacrifice on the cross for my sin, I cover my head as a reminder that
I always need to be in prayer, I have study out why I believe we should love
all and not judge, since Christ did not judge, but love the sinner, which is
everyone born of men and that there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus. I have different views on modesty, that it should be for
God’s glory and not for mans. It is these view, which in some form or another
have been apart of me since I was in high school and it is these views that
have made me an outcast.
I have never had a problem calling
myself an outcast, since that was what I was taught all Christians are, in some
since of the word; which is very true, but for me it have also been the outcast
in those same circles. First because I was home school in a time when was still
on the out skirts of culture, in the early nineties. Second because in the same
home school culture I was a Goth, who did not take anything at face value.
Thirdly because I would not stay quiet, and force myself in a mold that other saw
as good.
I was only in first grade, when I
was struggling to sit still and keep up with the rest of my class. My teacher Mrs.
Berloo (most like butchering her name) told my parents that I should be put one
drugs, since she saw me as someone with ADD at the age of seven. I was pulled out
of school, not long after. This was not the only reason, with rumors going
around that school principle was possibly a sexual predator. I completely understand
why they did what they did, and do not blame them one bit for what they did. What they did not know at that time, they were
creating an outcast.
I was home-schooled from the
middle of first grade till when my junior year when I dropped out of high
school. My family was not part of ATI or Quiverfull movement, I only have three
biological siblings. I wore shorts and went swimming in the company of boys,
and I ate non organic food. I had a fairly normal upbringing, but for the fact
that I was home-schooled and my family was evangelical Christians. I played soccer, did ballet, theater, choir and
did Awana at my local church. I have always been a bit of a “geek” which I came
by honestly, since my father was a was a nuclear engineer in the navy and then
later became a computer programmer, and had read more science fiction and
fantasy than most, and introduced me and my siblings to it. I have always loved
darker movies, even as a kid, I loved the original fairy tales and not the
Disney versions, much darker versions that I saw in the Grimm's Fairy Tale Classics. Something that my mother thought was too dark
for a child. In many ways I did lead a shelter life, my mother never wanted to
celebrate Halloween, I did not go trick or treating until I was twenty-seven
and my college age girlfriends wanted to.
So my enjoyment of gothic culture was a surprise to many and something
many denied by some even to this day. I can’t pinpoint
when I knew I was a Goth only it happened some point in high school, when found
out that nail polish came in black, and my mom let me wear eyeliner. I then I
found gothic art work and lace, I was gone. I started to wear mostly black, and
reading up on vampire lore, and watching Buffy
and Angel, and Spike became my
favorite character.
There
was a boy who was the oldest son of a Quiverfull family, the oldest of twelve
the last time I heard he was. I liked him and I think he liked me too, now that I
looked back, but I was the church bad girl, because I wore black and liked eyeliner,
and was an unintentional tease. That would never do for his family. He stopped
coming to youth group and then at summer camp he would not even talk to me. I
now see it had to do with my love of black, and art; by his family beliefs, I
was a rebel a bad girl, who might lead their son a stray.
My mother could see I was heading
this way and started forcing me to not where my fingerless gloves out and thinking
that I was going to end up having sex outside of marriage all because I liked
black. I was the unintentional tease, the flirt because I wanted to talk with
boys and draw the male form well. I became the black sheep in my church, which
was filled with homeschooling families or formally homeschooling families. I
became the rebel because, I thought human form was beautiful (particularly the
male form) I thought for myself and did not take everything I was taught at
face value, but I would study it out in the bible. I was the outsider, since I
was black rose in a sea of white. My mother said it was the other way around,
but I felt that she was wrong. What they saw as evil being Gothic, I saw as not
being afraid of the dark places and someone being willing to go there.
What
was funny; I was also a Sunday school teacher, youth event planner, VBS
coordinator, Christmas Program Director/ Writer, for this same church this was
all in high school and my freshman year of college, but what hurt was knowing
that pastor’s wife was gossiping behind my back and my youth group was as well,
the only ones who were not, was my close circle of three girlfriends. I was an outcast in the center of everything.
I never did anything, but got dubbed the weird girl. My late mother would never
call me a Goth, since that in her mind it meant evil and satanic worshipers,
and that was not her baby girl, never understanding what this artistic movement
really was. My black humor, campy-ness
was just her little girls flare, never proof of her being a Goth. That I saw
the beauty in all of God’s creation, and if you believe God created everything
that means he created the darker side of life, which means man made it ugly,
not God since he said all his creation was good and his light is shining out of me.
I
went off to a small unaccredited Bible college and found people like me, fellow
Christian Goths and finally started feeling comfortable in my own skin, people
who loved black, leather and vampires, but also loved the Lord. I dye my hair
black for the first time, which freaked my mother out, but I was able to be me,
and that meant I could show my faith more. The leadership of that school saw,
what my mother saw in Gothic, but to them it meant we could not be in the
ministry. I and all but one of my circle was kicked out, because we thought
outside the box. I now know it was one of the best things ever happened to me,
but at that time I was heartbroken. I
moved back home and then left my family’s church and found one that took me in
for, who I was a Christian Goth. The circle that got kicked out, two of us are
still in ministry and the others still believers.
I
still call myself a Goth and most of my writing and artwork have darker
undertones. I still wear black nail polish.
I am still called myself an
outcast, because I do not believe, the normal popular Christian views, such
as why should a woman dress modestly, not because it is protect our brother in Christ, but because that makes boys not real men, why do I say that, because a boy plays the
blame game, but a man takes responsibility for their actions. I believe that
lust is like any other type of temptation, which the bible says that they Lord
will not tempt you beyond what you can bare, so teaching a young man to move
past temptation and give it to the Lord and see a woman for the creation God
made her to be. I believe a woman should dress modestly for the glory of God,
and so she can be herself. I cover my head, and not out of submission to my husband
(since there is no husband, yet), but because I want have physical reminder
that I am to have attitude of prayer, and should always be talking to God. It is view
like these that have made me an outcast, and that is fine with me. I do not fit
into a mold that people in my life have said I should be in, even if they have
never said it to my face. There are people in my life, who say that I should be
married, should have what they call a real job or have gotten a real degree (that
the ten years that it took to get a BA in English from a school that ranked as
one the best schools in the south and was over hundred years old was pointless)
I will stand my ground and get a master in it. I should be married or have had
a “real boyfriend” which just insulted the men, who loved me and made the woman
I am today, even if we never dated. I still believe sex is meant for marriage
and I am still waiting (if not sitting still and living my life.) I am a
outcast, and that is fine by God and me.
For other Christian Goths out there here is the best sit on the internet for you.
Here is a great introduction into what Goth is for those who don't really know what it is, though this is not a christian video, does tell you what Goth really is
