Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Outcast

   I have written about the “they”, but it is the “They”, which have created the mold, that says that I should have a “real job,” I should have a “real boyfriend,” I should have a mold to which I need to fit into, but I have never been that. I have never fit into any mold, be that of the one which secular world says I should be in, but also the one which the other extreme says I should be in that extreme is moderate or ultra-conservative Christian movement says I should be in. I call myself a Christian because I believe what the bible says is true, that there is only one way to heaven and that is through justification by Christ sacrifice on the cross for my sin, I cover my head as a reminder that I always need to be in prayer, I have study out why I believe we should love all and not judge, since Christ did not judge, but love the sinner, which is everyone born of men and that there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus. I have different views on modesty, that it should be for God’s glory and not for mans. It is these view, which in some form or another have been apart of me since I was in high school and it is these views that have made me an outcast.
I have never had a problem calling myself an outcast, since that was what I was taught all Christians are, in some since of the word; which is very true, but for me it have also been the outcast in those same circles. First because I was home school in a time when was still on the out skirts of culture, in the early nineties. Second because in the same home school culture I was a Goth, who did not take anything at face value. Thirdly because I would not stay quiet, and force myself in a mold that other saw as good.
I was only in first grade, when I was struggling to sit still and keep up with the rest of my class. My teacher Mrs. Berloo (most like butchering her name) told my parents that I should be put one drugs, since she saw me as someone with ADD at the age of seven. I was pulled out of school, not long after. This was not the only reason, with rumors going around that school principle was possibly a sexual predator. I completely understand why they did what they did, and do not blame them one bit for what they did.  What they did not know at that time, they were creating an outcast.
I was home-schooled from the middle of first grade till when my junior year when I dropped out of high school. My family was not part of ATI or Quiverfull movement, I only have three biological siblings. I wore shorts and went swimming in the company of boys, and I ate non organic food. I had a fairly normal upbringing, but for the fact that I was home-schooled and my family was evangelical Christians.  I played soccer, did ballet, theater, choir and did Awana at my local church. I have always been a bit of a “geek” which I came by honestly, since my father was a was a nuclear engineer in the navy and then later became a computer programmer, and had read more science fiction and fantasy than most, and introduced me and my siblings to it. I have always loved darker movies, even as a kid, I loved the original fairy tales and not the Disney versions, much darker versions that I saw in the Grimm's Fairy Tale Classics.  Something that my mother thought was too dark for a child. In many ways I did lead a shelter life, my mother never wanted to celebrate Halloween, I did not go trick or treating until I was twenty-seven and my college age girlfriends wanted to.  So my enjoyment of gothic culture was a surprise to many and something many denied by some even to this day. I can’t pinpoint when I knew I was a Goth only it happened some point in high school, when found out that nail polish came in black, and my mom let me wear eyeliner. I then I found gothic art work and lace, I was gone. I started to wear mostly black, and reading up on vampire lore, and watching Buffy and Angel, and Spike became my favorite character.
                There was a boy who was the oldest son of a Quiverfull family, the oldest of twelve the last time I heard he was. I liked him and I think he liked me too, now that I looked back, but I was the church bad girl, because I wore black and liked eyeliner, and was an unintentional tease. That would never do for his family. He stopped coming to youth group and then at summer camp he would not even talk to me. I now see it had to do with my love of black, and art; by his family beliefs, I was a rebel a bad girl, who might lead their son a stray.      
My mother could see I was heading this way and started forcing me to not where my fingerless gloves out and thinking that I was going to end up having sex outside of marriage all because I liked black. I was the unintentional tease, the flirt because I wanted to talk with boys and draw the male form well. I became the black sheep in my church, which was filled with homeschooling families or formally homeschooling families. I became the rebel because, I thought human form was beautiful (particularly the male form) I thought for myself and did not take everything I was taught at face value, but I would study it out in the bible. I was the outsider, since I was black rose in a sea of white. My mother said it was the other way around, but I felt that she was wrong. What they saw as evil being Gothic, I saw as not being afraid of the dark places and someone being willing to go there.
                What was funny; I was also a Sunday school teacher, youth event planner, VBS coordinator, Christmas Program Director/ Writer, for this same church this was all in high school and my freshman year of college, but what hurt was knowing that pastor’s wife was gossiping behind my back and my youth group was as well, the only ones who were not, was my close circle of three girlfriends.   I was an outcast in the center of everything. I never did anything, but got dubbed the weird girl. My late mother would never call me a Goth, since that in her mind it meant evil and satanic worshipers, and that was not her baby girl, never understanding what this artistic movement really was.  My black humor, campy-ness was just her little girls flare, never proof of her being a Goth. That I saw the beauty in all of God’s creation, and if you believe God created everything that means he created the darker side of life, which means man made it ugly, not God since he said all his creation was good and his light is shining out of me.
                I went off to a small unaccredited Bible college and found people like me, fellow Christian Goths and finally started feeling comfortable in my own skin, people who loved black, leather and vampires, but also loved the Lord. I dye my hair black for the first time, which freaked my mother out, but I was able to be me, and that meant I could show my faith more. The leadership of that school saw, what my mother saw in Gothic, but to them it meant we could not be in the ministry. I and all but one of my circle was kicked out, because we thought outside the box. I now know it was one of the best things ever happened to me, but at that time I was heartbroken.  I moved back home and then left my family’s church and found one that took me in for, who I was a Christian Goth. The circle that got kicked out, two of us are still in ministry and the others still believers.
                I still call myself a Goth and most of my writing and artwork have darker undertones. I still wear black nail polish.


I am still called myself an outcast, because I do not believe, the normal popular Christian views, such as why should a woman dress modestly, not because it is protect our brother in Christ, but because that makes boys not real men, why do I say that, because a boy plays the blame game, but a man takes responsibility for their actions. I believe that lust is like any other type of temptation, which the bible says that they Lord will not tempt you beyond what you can bare, so teaching a young man to move past temptation and give it to the Lord and see a woman for the creation God made her to be. I believe a woman should dress modestly for the glory of God, and so she can be herself. I cover my head, and not out of submission to my husband (since there is no husband, yet), but because I want have physical reminder that I am to have attitude of prayer, and should always be talking to God. It is view like these that have made me an outcast, and that is fine with me. I do not fit into a mold that people in my life have said I should be in, even if they have never said it to my face. There are people in my life, who say that I should be married, should have what they call a real job or have gotten a real degree (that the ten years that it took to get a BA in English from a school that ranked as one the best schools in the south and was over hundred years old was pointless) I will stand my ground and get a master in it. I should be married or have had a “real boyfriend” which just insulted the men, who loved me and made the woman I am today, even if we never dated. I still believe sex is meant for marriage and I am still waiting (if not sitting still and living my life.) I am a outcast, and that is fine by God and me. 

For other Christian Goths out there here is the best sit on the internet for you.

Here is a great introduction into what Goth is for those who don't really know what it is, though this is not a christian video, does tell you what Goth really is


This is the song which inspired this blog:


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