I have written about the “they”, but it is the “They”, which
have created the mold, that says that I should have a “real job,” I should have
a “real boyfriend,” I should have a mold to which I need to fit into, but I
have never been that. I have never fit into any mold, be that of the one which
secular world says I should be in, but also the one which the other extreme
says I should be in that extreme is moderate or ultra-conservative Christian movement
says I should be in. I call myself a Christian because I believe what the bible
says is true, that there is only one way to heaven and that is through justification
by Christ sacrifice on the cross for my sin, I cover my head as a reminder that
I always need to be in prayer, I have study out why I believe we should love
all and not judge, since Christ did not judge, but love the sinner, which is
everyone born of men and that there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus. I have different views on modesty, that it should be for
God’s glory and not for mans. It is these view, which in some form or another
have been apart of me since I was in high school and it is these views that
have made me an outcast.
I have never had a problem calling
myself an outcast, since that was what I was taught all Christians are, in some
since of the word; which is very true, but for me it have also been the outcast
in those same circles. First because I was home school in a time when was still
on the out skirts of culture, in the early nineties. Second because in the same
home school culture I was a Goth, who did not take anything at face value.
Thirdly because I would not stay quiet, and force myself in a mold that other saw
as good.
I was only in first grade, when I
was struggling to sit still and keep up with the rest of my class. My teacher Mrs.
Berloo (most like butchering her name) told my parents that I should be put one
drugs, since she saw me as someone with ADD at the age of seven. I was pulled out
of school, not long after. This was not the only reason, with rumors going
around that school principle was possibly a sexual predator. I completely understand
why they did what they did, and do not blame them one bit for what they did. What they did not know at that time, they were
creating an outcast.
I was home-schooled from the
middle of first grade till when my junior year when I dropped out of high
school. My family was not part of ATI or Quiverfull movement, I only have three
biological siblings. I wore shorts and went swimming in the company of boys,
and I ate non organic food. I had a fairly normal upbringing, but for the fact
that I was home-schooled and my family was evangelical Christians. I played soccer, did ballet, theater, choir and
did Awana at my local church. I have always been a bit of a “geek” which I came
by honestly, since my father was a was a nuclear engineer in the navy and then
later became a computer programmer, and had read more science fiction and
fantasy than most, and introduced me and my siblings to it. I have always loved
darker movies, even as a kid, I loved the original fairy tales and not the
Disney versions, much darker versions that I saw in the Grimm's Fairy Tale Classics. Something that my mother thought was too dark
for a child. In many ways I did lead a shelter life, my mother never wanted to
celebrate Halloween, I did not go trick or treating until I was twenty-seven
and my college age girlfriends wanted to.
So my enjoyment of gothic culture was a surprise to many and something
many denied by some even to this day. I can’t pinpoint
when I knew I was a Goth only it happened some point in high school, when found
out that nail polish came in black, and my mom let me wear eyeliner. I then I
found gothic art work and lace, I was gone. I started to wear mostly black, and
reading up on vampire lore, and watching Buffy
and Angel, and Spike became my
favorite character.
There
was a boy who was the oldest son of a Quiverfull family, the oldest of twelve
the last time I heard he was. I liked him and I think he liked me too, now that I
looked back, but I was the church bad girl, because I wore black and liked eyeliner,
and was an unintentional tease. That would never do for his family. He stopped
coming to youth group and then at summer camp he would not even talk to me. I
now see it had to do with my love of black, and art; by his family beliefs, I
was a rebel a bad girl, who might lead their son a stray.
My mother could see I was heading
this way and started forcing me to not where my fingerless gloves out and thinking
that I was going to end up having sex outside of marriage all because I liked
black. I was the unintentional tease, the flirt because I wanted to talk with
boys and draw the male form well. I became the black sheep in my church, which
was filled with homeschooling families or formally homeschooling families. I
became the rebel because, I thought human form was beautiful (particularly the
male form) I thought for myself and did not take everything I was taught at
face value, but I would study it out in the bible. I was the outsider, since I
was black rose in a sea of white. My mother said it was the other way around,
but I felt that she was wrong. What they saw as evil being Gothic, I saw as not
being afraid of the dark places and someone being willing to go there.
What
was funny; I was also a Sunday school teacher, youth event planner, VBS
coordinator, Christmas Program Director/ Writer, for this same church this was
all in high school and my freshman year of college, but what hurt was knowing
that pastor’s wife was gossiping behind my back and my youth group was as well,
the only ones who were not, was my close circle of three girlfriends. I was an outcast in the center of everything.
I never did anything, but got dubbed the weird girl. My late mother would never
call me a Goth, since that in her mind it meant evil and satanic worshipers,
and that was not her baby girl, never understanding what this artistic movement
really was. My black humor, campy-ness
was just her little girls flare, never proof of her being a Goth. That I saw
the beauty in all of God’s creation, and if you believe God created everything
that means he created the darker side of life, which means man made it ugly,
not God since he said all his creation was good and his light is shining out of me.
I
went off to a small unaccredited Bible college and found people like me, fellow
Christian Goths and finally started feeling comfortable in my own skin, people
who loved black, leather and vampires, but also loved the Lord. I dye my hair
black for the first time, which freaked my mother out, but I was able to be me,
and that meant I could show my faith more. The leadership of that school saw,
what my mother saw in Gothic, but to them it meant we could not be in the
ministry. I and all but one of my circle was kicked out, because we thought
outside the box. I now know it was one of the best things ever happened to me,
but at that time I was heartbroken. I
moved back home and then left my family’s church and found one that took me in
for, who I was a Christian Goth. The circle that got kicked out, two of us are
still in ministry and the others still believers.
I
still call myself a Goth and most of my writing and artwork have darker
undertones. I still wear black nail polish.
I am still called myself an
outcast, because I do not believe, the normal popular Christian views, such
as why should a woman dress modestly, not because it is protect our brother in Christ, but because that makes boys not real men, why do I say that, because a boy plays the
blame game, but a man takes responsibility for their actions. I believe that
lust is like any other type of temptation, which the bible says that they Lord
will not tempt you beyond what you can bare, so teaching a young man to move
past temptation and give it to the Lord and see a woman for the creation God
made her to be. I believe a woman should dress modestly for the glory of God,
and so she can be herself. I cover my head, and not out of submission to my husband
(since there is no husband, yet), but because I want have physical reminder
that I am to have attitude of prayer, and should always be talking to God. It is view
like these that have made me an outcast, and that is fine with me. I do not fit
into a mold that people in my life have said I should be in, even if they have
never said it to my face. There are people in my life, who say that I should be
married, should have what they call a real job or have gotten a real degree (that
the ten years that it took to get a BA in English from a school that ranked as
one the best schools in the south and was over hundred years old was pointless)
I will stand my ground and get a master in it. I should be married or have had
a “real boyfriend” which just insulted the men, who loved me and made the woman
I am today, even if we never dated. I still believe sex is meant for marriage
and I am still waiting (if not sitting still and living my life.) I am a
outcast, and that is fine by God and me.
For other Christian Goths out there here is the best sit on the internet for you.
Here is a great introduction into what Goth is for those who don't really know what it is, though this is not a christian video, does tell you what Goth really is
This is the song which inspired this blog:
