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It is true and since if you believe God made me in His image and calls me beautiful just as I am, why are you saying I should be sorry for something He gave me. I am not sorry, for my brothers in Christ want shame women for having baby feeding mechanism on their chests, and you are turned on by that and you are saying I'm the one with problem, they don't turn me on they feed babies.

Today I am 30...

What I thought my life would be like when I turned 30! At ten I thought it was so far away and so old, one step away from the grave, but I thought I would had have gone to college doing what I hadn’t a clue, but more over that I would be married, with children and still living in California. My 10^th birthday was a day that I still can remember I had a slumber party “my first slumber party” with my closest friends, Sarah Martin, Martha and Beca Johnson (Who my mom drove almost an hour to go and pick up since their families van had broken down or something) I had other girls there to which I don’t remember, but it was that night I got my American Doll “Addy” and we watched the Polar Bear King and had pizza. I never thought I would leave my home where I could smell the salt in the air since my family lived not but thirty miles from the ocean, a place where I could pick apples right off the tree, and stay friends with Sarah, Martha and Beca for the rest of my life, but I hate to say it, but I have not spoken or written to them in over fifteen years.

 My 20^th birthday I really don’t even remember what happen since I was so caught up with taking care of my Grandma, that year just flew by, I do know that my best friend and sister from another mother Dana Garten then Chipchase was there and Sarah Courter then Lucas, and my older sister and Bethany Urbanek also then Chipchase, and very likely my cousin Stephanie Chandler then Griggs and my friend Ellie Nasrallah then DeVille, rounding out the Sisterhood. We most likely watched A Knights Tale, and ate Mexican chocolate cake that I made and had a sleep over and that is what we called a wild night. I knew that I would be done with college at that time by the time I was twenty- five and married to a pastor with kids by the time I was twenty-nine and living close to my friends whom we would live in the same neighborhood and our kids would be best friends, and that Dana, Sarah and I would have taken our road trip up the Pacific coast by that time and that is what I thought my life would be, I thought I would grow old with all of the sisterhood, but as to be expected the Lord had other plans for me.

I am now I am 30 and I don’t have almost anything I thought I should have by this time. I don’t have husband, I don’t have kids, and I don’t live in the same state, let alone the same town as my best friends. I also don’t have things that I thought would still be here, like my Mom. At the same time I have things that I never thought I have, fifteen years in the ministry, a BA in English (let alone working on Masters in English), the gift a of a gypsy spirit which the Lord gave me and has lead me all around this country to live in six different states, two all by myself and given the chance to move back to a place I call home (New Mexico) after fifteen years away from it. I don’t have the life that I still dream of and know that the Lord is going to give to me, of that husband, with my big brood that I know is just waiting to come down and meet me some day. I don’t know if Lord will bring those people into my life in the next ten years, but I know that is in his plan. I have learned that you have to take the good with the bad, and not fight the Lord on his plan for you.

Conversations I wish I could have...

    Conversations I wish I could have. There are a few people in my life who I know are searching for the great something in their lives. One who we shall call “Sam” is looking for the inspiration again, the other who we shall call “Dean” is looking for the perfect thing that will make him happy. I am always afraid of coming off too preachy and that would turn them away so I will write what I want to say to them.

     Sam is looking for the next masterpiece to create; keeps asking himself, when will the great inspiration come. I want to tell him that it can only come when you let go of yourself and let God. That if you let the love of God, who sent his son down to Earth to take your sin, that icky thing which we are all born with that only his Son, Jesus can take away. When we proclaims him as Lord and accept him into our heart. That when you do that the peace that you have been searching for will come, but until that point it will be a fate of longing to be with Jesus and not being to make that leap to him and true inspiration.

    Dean has known about Jesus at one point in his life and grew up knowing him skin deep as his tattoo on his arm, and has since gone looking for perfection of real love, but failing. Dean looked for it in himself, by perfecting his body and making it an art form, by giving up his studies and going after his love for film in all its forms, but never looking up always looking around him at people, at himself, at women, but not at Jesus. I just want to tell Dean to look up and let Jesus love with his love, because only then can you really know his true love and how much he loves you. To give up the things of this world and let him into your life, that it is not about the religion you grew up with, which yes is only skin deep as your tattoo, but it is a about the relationship of a father, which will never leave you, who will carry you through the good, the bad, the ugly times and never let you take a step on your own again if you just let go of your own search for happiness and search for him and he will give Joy. Joy is not just happiness, (happiness is a man created, feeling, that is meant to be a poor substitute for true Joy) it is an inner glow of the Holy Spirit, which can only lift you up.

   Since it would be too hard for me to talk to you, so I write to you. I know that many people I know would fall into this category of Sam or Dean and I know that every believer has known people like this, so we pray for time and courage to say look and see what Jesus has done for me.

I am still single.

I will be thirty in the next six months, and only just finished my BA in the last six months. I have been told by my own father that he thinks his biological children are socially immature since we all have never really dated and not married.

I don’t think I am socially immature in many ways: First, I am not with Mr. Wrong, and yes, there have been Mr. Wrongs and many of their names have begun with the letter “J” (don’t ask why? I don’t know.) Second, I have not back down from my standers or changed myself to fit society norms.  Third, I don’t go through men like hair gel.

I know with my generation that dating has become less formal, which is probably not the best thing, but it is the case. If we were like past generations I would have probably already gone to my first date, had my first kiss and my first break up; but it’s not we are much more casual about relationships, even in the conservative evangelical culture of the church that I have grown up in. I have “hung out” with guys I have known in the last years, and shared googly eyes with them, but at the end of the day nothing happens and then they move on with some ells, then I am alone again. This has been the pattern of my life in my twenties and might have started with my first “J” who broke my heart at age eighteen. I met him in the green room of my theater group, he had even asked me out, but I had work, so it fell through. Then he moved out of state and I felt heartbreak for the first time, because I loved him, like you, love a bad wine that has turned to vinegar, it started sweet but was sour soon. Then at age twenty- two I met my second “J”, who was the best looking guy at school and we were close. Then he started dating, some ells, so I moved on again, but not much heart break. I did love him, but what I thought was a fine wine, was a cheap bottle that tastes good, but only because you have never had a fine wine before. Then came my last “J” at age twenty-six, I fought this one tooth and nail: one, because my roommate liked him too, two I thought he was too young for me and three, I did not want to get hurt again; but he pulled me in. He became one my best friends and I had him wrap around my little finger and I honestly do believe he felt the same way in some way, but soon summer came and like many things it killed what could be. I have had Mr. Wrong (aka Mr. “J”) in my life and there have even been more than them, whose names did not start with a “J”, but I have sometimes been the only one in love and yes it sucks.

I have standers, yes the world is going to end a woman with standers, who is not going to budge on them. I as my blog title says I am Christian and Jesus is my life, He not just a part of it. That means I know where I stand, and what is important to me. If that makes me a stick in the mud, that’s fine by me. I have a backbone so sue me. I have seen more than one girl, settle on Mr. Okay and that turns in to break ups and heart breaks. Now know that my standers don’t mean you need be, drop dead give me a bucket and let me drool hot, that does not matter to me that much, but your attitude does how you treat others and is Jesus your life too. That is what I look for in a man.

I am looking for the diamond not a piece of coal which can become one some day.  I don’t go through guys like, I go through hair gel, many guys is not better than just one. I have only had a handful of “relationships” that have really mattered in my life, and those guys actually mean something the last two of those “J”s are still my friends to this day, even if they are not people I talk to every day. If a person picks up a lot of coal looking for a diamond they only going to end up dirty. I am not saying that you need to perfectly clean and pure. No, because as a human being, who was born with Sin, you can’t be without Jesus. We were told to love like Jesus loved, which means unconditional, if your hands are black from coal dust, it’s okay, Jesus loves you and Mr. Right/Miss Right will too.    

       Objectification: means treating a person as a thing, without regard to their dignity. I have written blogs on the topic the darker side of modesty before and how it has affected my life in the past.  I have come to the viewpoint that many of people within the Christian community, have taken the idea of modesty and turned into a version objectication, and saying that if a woman dress a certain way she is good, and if she dress at the end of the spectrum she is bad. Nothing, on the fact we all born sinners, and that is the heart is what is truly evil and everyone is born with Sin, or that we are each going to be accountable for our own sin. That a man who lust after a woman will held accountable for that sin, not woman in the “short skirt”, whom the man’s eye beheld. That's the yin and yang of the modesty culture is the rape culture, to say if a woman is raped when dress in a provocative way, that she is a at fault for that, it’s the same argument that modesty culture uses to say that a woman is responsible if a man lust after her. NO! Only one person is responsible for their sin, and that is person sinning.

          There is a viral video going around Facebook (which I will link below) Virtue Makes You Beautiful, with a group of school boys and Alex Boye. Who are singing about modesty, okay, annoying beyond belief (a “parody” of a One Direction song) and breaking more copyright laws than I can count! The idea in and of itself, is not a bad one; only they say that “they need my modesty” and that if I could see what they could see, then I would understand I am beautiful. Okay, nothing of the fact that I am created in the image of God and on that point alone I should be called beautiful period. Nothing on the fact, they need to take responsibility for their own actions and learn that sex is not in of itself a bad thing, what makes it a bad thing is, Man twisted version of it. God version which says that it is meant for marriage, is beautiful and that all of God’s creation in any type of covering is beautiful, because God made it. My cry today, is for young men out there that if you look at young women out there as something God created therefor they beautiful, and that woman could be the girl dressed in a long denim skirt with no makeup in your youth group or the hooker you just passed on the street, who is just as beautiful and as much value to God as the girl you are sitting next to in the denim skirt, because God made her, and she does not need to change, who she is to come to Christ. Christ ate dinner with women like her, not just with girls in long denim skirts, and people, who followed the Law, but with those who need him most.

Who said you have to go to church every time the doors are open? I am writing this blog in response to a Facebook post from a youth pastor, I went college with, put up on his page. The gist of the post was he hoped that Basketball Leagues would change their schedules so the youth could be at church on Wednesday nights. Now step one before people start ranting at me, I have nothing against people going to church, I am a born again Christian and believe going to renew a one spirit and have fellowship with other believers is a very good thing. My problem comes when traditions take precedents over doctrine, such as the “tradition” some denominations place on a person being at the church every time the doors and the shame put on others who choose to rest on one Sunday, that for many Wednesday night is family night, or not get themselves killed because when there is six inches of snow on the ground and it is not safe to drive. It never says anywhere in the Bible that you must show up for every church event on the calendar; because, oh wait it did not exist when church started. (If it does in Fourth Timothy < note there is no Fourth Timothy>) 

I went to a Christian College, which I loved, but every school has ups and downs, and mine came in forms of bible studies, Christian college student unions and gossip. On my Alma Mater campus, there is a big hill and at the top is the Christian College student union building, which for many was the center of their college life, not in of itself a bad thing. I could count about the number of times I went up that hill in my three years there on my fingers, if not one hand. I got a lot a of a shame, because I wanted to do my homework, or just enjoy the quiet of my dorm or watch tv with no one in the TV room.  The real reason I did not want to be there was  because that was where the worst gossips on that pristine campus like to hang out there.  That was something I did not want associated with, since because I was always taught if it was not necessary, true, kind or loving don’t say it, nor am I a master at this by any means? NO, but I do try to, do this and this was not practiced by many at the top of this hill and they were called the leadership on that campus, which was just sad. I have known girls who got kicked out of their own rooms because their roommate was having bible study and their roommate who did the kicking was consider one of the most "respected" girls on my campus.

Now back to my original point, Jesus never said that you have to go to church to worship or fellowship with Him or fellow believers there, but that's where one or more are gathered there He will be also, or be still and know I am God. To think that only place a person can learn about Jesus is in church is just a flat out lie or that unforgivable sin  is not go church on Wednesday night, is just horrible out and out lie. What you, who have said things like this are just, pushing legalism on the rest of the church and since the Youth Pastor, who inspired my blog, we went to the same Church my senior year ( an amazing Church) that I only once went to Sunday School (not even on Easter Sunday), I never went to Sunday night service,  I never  went to Wednesday night prayer service and still grew while I was there. What I am saying is that legalism does not belong anywhere near the church. We are to seek Him out and being a family is more important than, giving a good face at Church or to reach those who really need the Lord, because the world is lost and they not coming to Wednesday night services they are going to their kid basketball games.   

There is more to Life than Roses: A Youth Leaders Response to Juliet Capulet

There is more to Life than Roses: A Youth Leaders Response to Juliet Capulet

By. Mary E. Petrie

Oh sweet Julie girl, who is this boy you long for so deeply. He came to your family home while you were celebrating, as a prank. He did not even give you his name, you had to learn that from you nursemaid. Romeo Montague, is he not your father’s reveal, he would not wish you meet him. Sweet Julie girl you are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, please don’t let sweet words blind your sight. You are not the first one he has loved, the lovely Rosaline he has also loved, they say she is in loved him so and now he turns around like the sun.      

“O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet… 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; -- Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man. O, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet; So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, Retain that dear perfection which he owes Without that title:--Romeo, doff thy name; And for that name, which is no part of thee, Take all myself.” (Shakespeare 2.2.33-48)

Sweet Julie there is more to life than roses, and kisses, please wait you have just met. Please wait a year or two, yes he very well could be your one, which means he could be the one in year still. Please wait, please sweet child don’t let your feelings sway, visions of truth. Keep yourself pure as the driven snow, so you can stand before heavenly Father with a heart even more pure. Your earthly father’s reason may not be that of the Lords but he is still your father and that has not changed. You are only thirteen sweet one; let your love grow over time.  

“Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, Brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; but my true love is grown to such excess, I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.”

 Friar: “Come, come with me, and we will make short work; For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone Till holy church incorporate two in one”(Shakespeare 2.6.30-36)

What have you done sweet, why good man such as Friar would have done? You are but a child yourself. How can you be a wife? It is too late complaining; you must tell your father, he and your mother, must hear the truth from you, before it comes from some ells. Lies only bring pain, and both of your families have known too much of that. So please sweet Julie, be honest. Please also refrain from sex.  You know that is why you, have wed, so that you can be one with Romeo. Sex at such a young age will only bring pain to you. Sweet Julie, you have so much life ahead, high school, college, friends, family that very well will not happen if you bring a baby into the world. If you bring a baby into the world, you will not sleep then you will not study. You are right that as married ‘woman’ your body is not your own, but if your husband demands sex, he does not love you like Christ loves the Church, because he would know he cannot provide for you or the baby by bagging groceries at the corner store. So please wait, sweet Julie girl for sex till you are older and tell your friends to wait till the wed too.

“'Tybalt is dead and Romeo banished.' That 'banished,' that one word 'banished,' hath slain ten thousand Tybalts. Tybalt's death Was woe enough, if it had ended there: Or, if sour woe delights in fellowship, And needly will be rank'd with other griefs,-- Why follow'd not, when she said Tybalt's dead, Thy father, or thy mother, nay, or both, Which modern lamentation might have mov'd? But with a rear-ward following Tybalt's death, 'Romeo is banished'—to speak that word Is father, mother, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet, All slain, all dead: 'Romeo is banished,'-- There is no end, no limit, measure, bound, In that word's death; no words can that woe sound.” (Shakespeare 3:2. 112-126)      

Oh sadden Julie girl, death, blood has stained your happiness, the sun has not set on your marriage and it's all but over. Your pain is there for all to see and that grieves many to see. The hot blood of youth is spilled on the streets of your home town. Please be honest with your family? It was your cousin whose blood was spilled, but has not been the only blood spilled the prince may find mercy in his heart, for he could see your pain as others do. The sun has set on this your wedding day with the loss of your husband, all but dead to the world you know. You will not tell your parents the truth; don’t let your selfishness cloud your judgment sweet girl. Only a never ending night can come from your lies. Romeo is banished, he cannot come back he must leave and if you had been honest with your family you would go too, but have continued in your lies and now separation is the only outcome.

“Now by Saint Peter's Church and Peter too, He shall not make me there a joyful bride. I wonder at this haste; that I must wed ere he that should be husband comes to woo. I pray you, tell my lord and father, madam, I will not marry yet; and when I do, I swear It shall be Romeo, whom you. I hate, Rather than Paris:--these are news indeed!” (Shakespeare 3.5.116-124)    

Julie girl, there are more than roses in life, flowers will wither and die, as has your purity has with mornings light as sweet as last night may have been, it can never come back. You have been honest with your parents— almost you tell them of your love for Romeo, but not that you have given yourself to him awakening desire long before its time. Lovely Rosaline did the same you know and he left her like blink of child’s eye, like a leaf on the wind. What is to say that he will not now leave you too? For the next pretty young thing, who gives him a sweet smile? Turn to God; turn to His great unending love. It is not like the love of a man, which uneasy with a guild or given without a care. Yes, you do not wish to hear this, you want pretty little words, saying everything will turn out for good. You gave your greatest gift away to a boy who may not care, and even if he does he must leave with mornings light for he is a murder. Please sweet Julie girl; get your relationship right with your true Abba, His arms are always open to you he can and will forgive you always, you are a part of His bride, can be clothed in white waiting for Him still. Ask for forgiveness it is always given to those, who ask the Father of all, sin is always forgiven.

“What's here? A cup, clos'd in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end: -- O churl! Drink all, and left no friendly drop to help me after?--I will kiss thy lips; Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make me die with a restorative. Thy lips are warm!...Yea, noise?--Then I'll be brief.--O happy dagger! [Snatching Romeo's dagger.] This is thy sheath [stabs herself]; there rest, and let me die. (Shakespeare 5.3.161-170)          

Sweet Julie child, it is too late… to tell you it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is never the solution, would Romeo wish for you to die, no. You never think of the ones you leave behind. You were the rose that has loss its bloom that will never see to think you could all you have done. That now will never be, you will never hear the giggles of babies, or another sunset or sunrise, no light shall shine in your eyes every again. This was not the way to ask for peace that now your family now has done. You left this world for the next; you have not seen the pain you have caused your mothers' tears have not stopped, they are red and swollen as are your nurses. A mother should never entomb their children. Why sweet Julie did you do this? For a boy who killed himself too! For peace between your families! Because your parents said no to you! Why? Is all one can ask…Why?  

When Life gives you Paint Bombs… Not Lemons.

When Life gives you Paint Bombs… Not Lemons

By: Mary E. Petrie

When life gives you lemons; you make lemonade. Or that’s what “They” say, but me being the person I am; I say, who is “They”. Well “They” is the wise men and women, who came before us; but “They” is also the world and we are not of the world. So when life gives you lemons, what should I do; is give it to God. I don’t always do this and that is when the lemons, become paint bombs and start staining up my life, and things get messy. I know most people want a neat, clean little lives with white picketed fence, with two and a half kids, big dog and you should have  all of this and by the time you are thirty years old. And for the longest time, so did I, but then God told me in a not so gentle way, that was not going to be my life. I was to at age sixteen when most girls are at high school dances, I was taking care of my bedridden late grandmother while she lived with us this ended up being until her death when I was twenty. At age Twenty- two when most “good” Christian girls are meeting the “One”  and getting married. I was studying the word, at a small bible school, and spent the whole of ‘07’ studying the bible and serving the Lord up in the far away land of Michigan. I thought the Lord was calling me to go into foreign missions, but as usual when I try to control my life. I got a two by four upside my head, and paint bombs thrown at me from all sides. So covered in paint I came home over Christmas break— kicked out of the school I loved so much with my heart broken and scared, not sure where my life was headed. I got two jobs and found a new church where I could grow, with hopes of going back in a year, well a year comes and goes, I feel out that application and call them up and get told that they don’t think I’m ready. I got the Lords message that time, I was not to be a missionary. On the same night, I go back to my Junior college and try my hand at animation that lasted a whole year till, one late night, while looking for cheap Christian colleges with English Majors and Biblical Studies minors— I found Blue Mountain College the only school to show up in my search. What I did not know, was my life was going to change forever that night, because  had found my Alma Mater, what would become my second home, my second family and a start of new chapter in my life. 

I went there in the fall of ‘10’ when most “good” Christian girls were starting to have babies at the age of twenty six, I was starting literary analysis papers and honing my skills as a writer.  I hoped that this would be the time when I would meet the love of my life, but all found was a few Peter Pan's want a be, a man who did not know what he wanted and not willing to take a leap of faith, and one “oh my zing ah ha moments” with a real man, whom I have yet to meet again, but more because I was too scared to say “hi my names is…” because he was the single chapel speaker with the warm eyes. And right in the middle the Lord gave me another two by four upside the head, he took my Mamma home to be with him, breaking my heart again; making piggy back ride him, like I need to be all the time. I lived through that New year and the next, finishing school, with plans to go Dallas Theological Seminary.

 My family had moved on and was getting bigger, but not the way I had thought it would when I was sixteen, I gain a step mom, two step sisters and one nutty chiweenie, who likes to wake me up in the morning. Life was going good and then I got a small letter in the mail from DST, the Lord had shut that door again, I was not going to be trained in formal ministry. I was going home, back to my old room, back to live at home with a stranger, who was now part of my family and told to shine, with another two by fours back upside my head again and paint starting to fly, I ask what now.

I ask that for a whole summer, “what do you do with a B.A. in English?” you work in a coffee shop in a grocery store, with a whole group of introverts, who are just like you. You start teaching junior church and start the Golden Duck Tournament for the third through fifth graders, you take up your first commission paintings and apply to the secular Eastern New Mexico University in Portales, New Mexico. That you had been looking at as your plain B, so you can maybe go back to the state you once called home, knowing you can get in and praying God will take care of the rest; and maybe you might teach young minds about Shakespeare and MLA.

I know that God will give us the desires of our hearts, I want a husband, a man who serves the Lord with every fiber of his being, who puts his faith at the center of his life and not just as a foot note in it and my dream is still to have that family, but now it’s with ten kids, five of my own and five adopted, so I can sing the song  Jesus Loves the Little Children and when the chorus comes I can point at my kids as all the colors of the rainbow, and I dream of writing and being on the New York Best Sellers list with one of my many ideas for some unwritten novels that are just wiggling around in my head. I know that God does give us the desires of our hearts, but what we don’t always know is we don’t always know our hearts. I did not know my at sixteen-- when I thought I would be married by the time I was twenty and had two to three kids by time I was twenty five, and may not know it now. What I do know is that God knows my heart's true desires, and that amazing God fearing husband and those amazing kids, who I ready love even knowing I will have one will be just like me and God bless me like my sister, but I still long for anyway, will come into this world someday and may already be here. That book will be written, someday, and more so will be published. I know, God knows. What in my life will come and what road He will take me and that is what I will put my faith in that. Not, plans of man, which would have said to make lemonade out of paint bombs, and at twenty nine, single never dated anyone. But a person, who has known heart break more than most at my age, I do know if I don’t give it to Him; my life will be meaningless. That at the end of this road, when all the paint bombs have past,my life will be a masterpiece shining for His glory.