What is love, a simple question that the bible does answer, but what does it look like in our modern world. Love is a never changing emotion, but ever growing and even dying, event in our lives. I will focus on romantic love, with all the valentines stuff showing up and giving as strong reminder of we are single, or thinking about dreams and fantasy of love and not the real thing.
1 Corithians 13:4-8a
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
In this passage Paul tells about what love is and not lust, which we is what I was warned about when I was a teen and young woman, not to cause men to stumble, which if you wish to see my rant on that go back a few years in this blog, with this link.
It is from this idea that we get some very mixed up ideas on what attraction is. As a christian woman from the late 90’s and early ‘00, I was told that if I lived a certain way and did X-Y-Z my Prince Charming would come into my life at the right time (which was before I was twenty-five {FYI that was long time ago}) if lived in the fashion they said was right. The main problem was that it was in the same attitude that Pharisees had, which if you add mans rules to the rules of God they will bring you closer to God. This is very wrong, why because it what we call in the theological world eisegesis (aɪsəˈdʒiːsəs) meaning you are adding to the word of God and that not good. The bible does not give a rules for how to find a mate because that is cultural issue that did not matter in the long run, which means there is no right or wrong way. What does say that sex is meant for marriage, and marriage is clearly defined, beyond that there is not right or wrong way. The issue we do have is we have a whole generations who live in La-La Land (which is a great movie and you should all go and see) and believe that if you do X-Y-Z you will find the perfect Prince or Princess Charming which as in the last blog I explained as fictional archetypes.
We have a generation that has been brought up on disney dreams and false expectations from the christian community, which pushed a false ideals on us. If you were reared in the church, more so if you were female ( but to an extent as well if you were male) that if we followed the ideas of courtship, (which had you skip the whole get to know a person phase of “dating”) and go straight to the we are getting married stated of being, which how you end up married to a complete stranger. This has lead to the end of more than one marriage/ relationship and intern shame. What this is rooted in is not an understanding what real love is. I have seen, in the last few months even in the last year, more people are in love with the idea of love, the fairy tale, and not the real thing. I see posts on facebook about looking for Mr/Miss. Right (which I wholeheartedly admit to re-posting) about looking for perfection in an imperfect world.Here are a few examples of memes I have seen:
This is not to say they do not say truth, because it is true, but also stops you from living in the current. You don’t see people around you.
I have a close friend, who I have known my whole life, who has gone from fantasy to another and only ever had one real boyfriend, but my fear for her is that she will not see past her rose-colored glasses, and what God has put right in front of her. She has been trying be more spiritual on Facebook or in real life, will not call a man, a man but a gentleman, but I almost guarantee that the male in question is human, and scratches himself in public and whole bunch more nasty-ish things.This not to say he may not be the nicest guy in the world, because he could very well be, but to say everyone is human, I would even go as far to say even Jesus itched (he was fully human and fully God at the same time after all). So if the savior of the world, can itch so does Mr/Miss. Wonderful. We look for someone who is just like Jesus, in this world we will be very much miss lead and heartbroken, because there has only ever been one. This same friend has had long list of people, who fall into the same pattern in her life, and I could write novel after novel on what she thought happened and didn’t.
We all have list, of people who have come and gone in our lives, who honestly we just lusted after, and I know I have really only been in love twice, and one was my first love and than another man, who I knew was not right for me and I thought was perfect for his now wife. I have a list of “J’s” and a few none “J’s” who I thought was the bee's knees a few great asses (and one with the greatest ass I have ever seen, who also happens to be a great ass). This tends all be lust, and find someone attractive doesn't mean it’s lust, but when our internal thoughts demean them it becomes lust. Yes, women we do this and you all know it, does it make you any less a child of God, NO. What this does do make you human with free will, which you can choose defer these thoughts, which I am bad at.
I personally have been finding, with my current state of romance, which just involves flirting with one person at work and not even a real relationship at all, but has more potential than a fantasy, so much more fulfilling than, than longing for a dream, which will never be. Why, you may ask, because not only am I getting a friend out of it (who, gets my dark messed up, sense of humor and sarcasm,) but he is real. He makes mistakes, he tells the phone to dames it, he drops tills, he hums music, he smiles, he drinks bad energy drinks and has a sweet tooth and likes blue berries. I also know he loves his family and his Grandmother makes apparently amazing zucchini bread (though I bet my Grans is better),shows me gross maggots growing on food, and grew up in the church. In saying this he is human and so far from a knight a white horse, because love, real love is taking the good with the bad and being able to accepting a person where they are and are at (that is not saying I am in love with him, but I like him as a person and what I see, like and might grow to love, who knows, but so far to my knowledge it is only one sided,sad day for me...;), just as Jesus accepting you where you are at, so should we accepting others (missional living folks is about truly loving people where they are at). As long as this person is making your reach towards being like Christ, than give them a chance. (FYI if the person at work is reading this just ask for my phone number already!)
I know that some people will condemn, my flirting and say it is wrong, since I am not guarding my heart, but I want point out, we only build up walls to keep things out or keep things away, but either way no one gets in even Jesus. We have to let walls come down, so love can come in even if the whole sha bang does not come with it, because you just might meet a friend, or come to a better understanding of others and that is not a bad thing. We taught this ideas to keep us from heartbreak, but the main problem with that is heartbreak is part of life and me personally a better person.
I remember my first love John, now with great fondness, but it has taken years and a short story for me to remember him in that way. Why you ask, shouldn't first love be a great wonderful time for sweet doe eyed looks and great gestures and well yes it should. I had all of that, my first time meeting him was in a green room and him trying and failing to convince me he was not a flirt for about five to ten minutes as I was doing my job an assistant makeup mistress, around the room. I now know he had me at that point, but what I did not know at time. I was not the only girl in his life, he had a girlfriend at the time. That was what broke my heart and I could not forgive him for almost ten years and I never really got over him till I did. I fell in love with him, it was nothing that grew over time, it happened in a week people, I hardly knew him at all, but I loved the dream of him and when that dream proved to be just that a dream I kept a record of wrongs. I had been keeping a record of wrongs, and that is not love. Christ went to the cross for me and remove the records of my wrongs, just the same I should do the same for others. When I was willing to give up that record, true healing could start. It was in those records I built up walls, and allowed fortifications to be build me into living a fantasy, but these fortifications deam from an even deeper root. As some of you may know I am an abuse victim, I was abused emotionally, verbally and psychologically by my late grandfather and to this day I have family, who believe I am over reacting. It from this point that I have built up walls, because a person, who was meant to love me, did not. My family, who should believe me, does not, why? I honestly don't know, but what I do know is it cause me to build walls and call it "guarding my heart," only adding to the lie on what real love is.
Real love is patient and love is kind. Patients is a quality, which can come from time and can only grow, it is not something you dive into the pool and hope to not crack your head on the bottom. It is a plant that has to be planted, as a seed and grow. Now can grow quickly , and can you know with a word from the spirit moving in you that this person is going to be important to you, heck yes. Even now with my co-work I can recall with great detail on when I first saw him, does mean anything, very possibly not, I don't know, but does mean the spirit moved and now I can remember seeing him for the first time a year ago last may/june. I mention this just show, relationships of any kind grow and evolve over time. Real love is not quick or easy, it takes time and work, like anything worthwhile it takes time.
Love is not Lust, Love is taking a person where they are and growing together to become stronger. Love comes in the little moments of silly conversations, which lead to the deep ones of learning, who they are and this is what matters. We have to see people as they are and not the dreams we want them to be. Prince Charming is a dream and not real. So folks take off the rose-colored glasses and maybe you will meet an amazing person in front your eyes.
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