Single and You Know It: What is Love, a Simple Question?

What is love, a simple question that the bible does answer, but what does it look like in our modern world. Love is a never changing emotion, but ever growing and even dying, event in our lives. I will focus on romantic love, with all the valentines stuff showing up and giving as strong reminder of we are single, or thinking about dreams and fantasy of love and not the real thing.

1 Corithians 13:4-8a

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

In this passage Paul tells about what love is and not lust, which we is what I was warned about when I was a teen and young woman, not to cause men to stumble, which if you wish to see my rant on that go back a few years in this blog, with this link.

http://newsgirl292003.blogspot.com/2013/07/what-is-modesty.html

It is from this idea that we get some very mixed up ideas on what attraction is. As a christian woman from the late 90’s and early ‘00, I was told that if I lived a certain way and did X-Y-Z my Prince Charming would come into my life at the right time (which was before I was twenty-five {FYI that was long time ago}) if lived in the fashion they said was right. The main problem was that it was in the same attitude that Pharisees had, which if you add mans rules to the rules of God they will bring you closer to God. This is very wrong, why because it what we call in the theological world eisegesis (aɪsəˈdʒiːsəs)  meaning you are adding to the word of God and that not good. The bible does not give a rules for how to find a mate because that is cultural issue that did not matter in the long run, which means there is no right or wrong way. What does say that sex is meant for marriage, and marriage is clearly defined, beyond that there is not right or wrong way. The issue we do have is we have a whole generations who live in La-La Land (which is a great movie and you should all go and see) and believe that if you do X-Y-Z you will find the perfect Prince or Princess Charming which as in the last blog I explained as fictional archetypes.

We have a generation that has been brought up on disney dreams and false expectations from the christian community, which pushed a false ideals on us. If you were reared in the church, more so if you were female ( but to an extent as well if you were male) that if we followed the ideas of courtship, (which had you skip the whole get to know a person phase of “dating”) and go straight to the we are getting married stated of being, which how you end up married to a complete stranger. This has lead to the end of more than one marriage/ relationship and intern shame. What this is rooted in is not an understanding what real love is.  I have seen, in the last few months even in the last year, more people are in love with the idea of love, the fairy tale, and not the real thing. I see posts on facebook about looking for Mr/Miss. Right (which I wholeheartedly admit to re-posting) about looking for perfection in an imperfect world.Here are a few examples of memes I have seen:

This is not to say they do not say truth, because it is true, but also stops you from living in the current. You don’t see people around you.

I have a close friend, who I have known my whole life, who has gone from fantasy to another and only ever had one real boyfriend, but my fear for her is that she will not see past her rose-colored glasses, and what God has put right in front of her. She has been trying be more spiritual on Facebook or in real life, will not call a man, a man but a gentleman, but I almost guarantee that the male in question is human, and scratches himself in public and whole bunch more nasty-ish things.This not to say he may not be the nicest guy in the world, because he could very well be, but to say everyone is human, I would even go as far to say even Jesus itched (he was fully human and fully God at the same time after all).  So if the savior of the world, can itch so does Mr/Miss. Wonderful. We look for someone who is just like Jesus, in this world we will be very much miss lead and heartbroken, because there has only ever been one. This same friend has had long list of people, who fall into the same pattern in her life, and I could write novel after novel on what she thought happened and didn’t.

We all have list, of people who have come and gone in our lives, who honestly we just lusted after, and I know I have really only been in love twice, and one was my first love and than another man, who I knew was not right for me and I thought was  perfect for his now wife. I have a list of “J’s” and a few none “J’s” who I thought was the bee's knees a few great asses (and one with the greatest ass I have ever seen, who also happens to be a great ass). This tends all be lust, and find someone attractive doesn't mean it’s lust, but when our internal thoughts demean them it becomes lust. Yes, women we do this and you all know it, does it make you any less a child of God, NO. What this does do make you human with free will, which you can choose defer these thoughts, which I am bad at.

I personally have been finding, with my current state of romance, which just involves flirting with one person at work and not even a real relationship at all, but has more potential than a fantasy, so much more fulfilling than, than longing for a dream, which will never be. Why, you may ask, because not only am I getting a friend out of it (who, gets my dark messed up, sense of humor and sarcasm,) but he is real. He makes mistakes, he tells the phone to dames it, he drops tills, he hums music, he smiles, he drinks bad energy drinks and has a sweet tooth and likes blue berries. I also know he loves his family and his Grandmother makes apparently amazing zucchini bread (though I bet my Grans is better),shows me gross maggots growing on food, and grew up in the church. In saying this he is human and so far from a knight a white horse, because love, real love is taking the good with the bad and being able to accepting  a person where they are and are at (that is not saying I am in love with him, but I like him as a person and what I see, like and might grow to love, who knows, but so far to my knowledge it is only one sided,sad day for me...;), just  as Jesus accepting you where you are at, so should we accepting others (missional living folks is about truly loving people where they are at). As long as this person is making your reach towards being like Christ, than give them a chance. (FYI if the person at work is reading this just ask for my phone number already!)

 I know that some people will condemn, my flirting and say it is wrong, since I am not guarding my heart, but I want point out, we only build up walls to keep things out or keep things away, but either way no one gets in even Jesus. We have to let walls come down, so love can come in even if the whole sha bang does not come with it, because you just might meet a friend, or come to a better understanding of others and that is not a bad thing. We taught this ideas to keep us from heartbreak, but the main problem with that is heartbreak is part of life and me personally a better person.

I remember my first love  John, now with great fondness, but it has taken years and a short story for me to remember him in that way. Why you ask, shouldn't first love be a great wonderful time for sweet doe eyed looks and great gestures and well yes it should. I had all of that, my first time meeting him was in a green room and him trying and failing to convince me he was not a flirt for about five to ten minutes as I was doing my job an assistant makeup mistress, around the room. I now know he had me at that point, but what I did not know at time. I was not the only girl in his life, he had a girlfriend at the time. That was what broke my heart and I could not forgive him for almost ten years and I never really got over him till I did. I fell in love with him, it was nothing that grew over time, it happened in a week people, I hardly knew him at all, but I loved the dream of him and when that dream proved to be just that a dream I kept a record of wrongs. I had been keeping a record of wrongs, and that is not love. Christ went to the cross for me and remove the records of my wrongs, just the same I should do the same for others. When I was willing to give up that record, true healing could start. It was in those records I built up walls, and allowed fortifications to be build me into living a fantasy, but these fortifications deam from an even deeper root. As some of you may know I am an abuse victim, I was abused emotionally, verbally and psychologically by my late grandfather and to this day I have family, who believe I am over reacting. It from this point that I have built up walls, because a person, who was meant to love me, did not. My family, who should believe me, does not, why? I honestly don't know, but what I do know is it cause me to build walls and call it "guarding my heart," only adding to the lie on what real love is.

Real love is patient and love is kind. Patients is a quality, which can come from time and can only grow, it is not something you dive into the pool and hope to not crack your head on the bottom. It is a plant that has to be planted, as a seed and grow. Now can grow quickly , and can you know with a word from the spirit moving in you that this person is going to be important to you, heck yes. Even now with my co-work I can recall with great detail on when I first saw him, does mean anything, very possibly not, I don't know, but does mean the spirit moved and now I can remember seeing him for the first time a year ago last may/june. I mention this just show, relationships of any kind grow and evolve over time. Real love is not quick or easy, it takes time and work, like anything worthwhile it takes time.

Love is not Lust, Love is taking a person where they are and growing together to become stronger. Love comes in the little moments of silly conversations, which lead to the deep ones of learning, who they are and this is what matters. We have to see people as they are and not the dreams we want them to be. Prince Charming is a dream and not real. So folks take off the  rose-colored glasses and maybe  you will meet an amazing person in front your eyes.

Part One: http://newsgirl292003.blogspot.com/2017/01/single-and-you-know-it-fairy-tale-love.html

More reading:

http://newsgirl292003.blogspot.com/2014/01/there-is-more-to-life-than-roses-youth.html

Single and You Know It: Fairy Tale Love VS. Beautiful Imperfection

We have Valentine's Day coming on the horizon, and more pink than a preppy sweet sixteen party. I am a woman, who loves black entering a  time of year where everything is pink, it sucks. It is also a time of year, which all of singles are remind that we are single and our ideas of love are more misconstrued than ever. Many people, who have been reared in the church, have been brought up with the idea that if we do “A-B-C” our lives will turn out perfectly, but that is very much not the truth. The truth is if you are a follower of Christ your life will not be easy. In James 1:2-4

“2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”   

Now we must understand that marriage and happy ever afters, may very well not be in God’s plan for our lives. He has planned for us may be so much more than “Happy Ever After”. I know many people from all over the country and all over the world; Some who have stayed single by choice, like me not by choice or are single again because of betrayal of the one, who swore in front of God and family to love them forever. I would like to take the next few weeks to write about what it is meant to love others, in this mushy gushy way (from a woman, who has never really been in a relationship, but has been in ‘love’ more times than she can count). In a series of blogs, on being single in a world, where you are thought to be brain dead if you have never had a relationship, or your relationship has failed the problem must fall on you. Now mind you I am single, and this is the pot calling the kettle black.

First I want break down the fairy tale, in literature we have archetypes, which included, but are not limited to Prince Charming,  The Princess (who has the same personality as a block of wood).

Who is "Prince Charming"? Well in the fairy tales he is the one, who comes and wakes up the sleeping princess, who can't remember a girl's face-- so he uses a shoe instead, he the one who comes in on a white horse and defeats the dragon (even though the dragon had done nothing to him really), "Prince Charming" is just that a fairy tale, an archetype just as is the Proverbs 31 woman is but that's another soapbox for another day. For many women ( and men looking for their princess) who were brought up in the church especially those brought up in the micro generation "The inbetweeners" (us who not part of Gen X and not really part of the Millennials) we got the bulk of the purity- courtship push, from our Baby- Boomer parents, who throughout the baby with the bathwater from their hippy parents and their free love. I like many others was taught that how I dress, that flirting, that having any male friends; would lead to me down a path of destruction, death and an impure heart. Well folks the problem with that is as a human, who was born with original Sin, I am already impure and it is only by the grace of God that any of my impure heart is cleaned, by His Sons blood.  The whole idea of sanctification (big word meaning becoming more like Christ and letting the old man passed away) is a process, which no disrespect to my brothers and sisters in Christ, who either were brought up in a denomination that believes that can be reached in this life in this body that once held original Sin. So poor old "Prince Charm" is a work of fiction and can never exist, we call him by many names, The One, A Gentleman, A Knight, A Warrior Poet and honestly this list could go on and on. We need come to the realization that loving someone with warts and all is much more fulfilling and real than a "Prince Charming" ever will be. Folks I personally want a man, who is full of faults, but through the grace of God, is being changed and renewed daily by Him.

Who is the Princess, well she is duller than a block of wood, who gets cursed because mommy and daddy were very rude and did not invite all the neighbors to her christening.  She is also so perfect that I want to shoot her dead.  I don’t wake up looking perfect, in fact it takes a lot of coffee, not so clean clothes (dude it takes 1.75 to wash and 1.50 to dry at my apartment complex, and this girl has coffee to buy), and more makeup to look natural (and dude I love my eyeliner) than you will ever know. Our christian culture has set it up, so that any woman with faults, such as mine or what they call faults. I have a dark sense of humor, I am sarcastic (no-way), I am a Christian Feminist and I am known to use the f-bomb as a coma. I am not a Proverbs 31 woman, why you may ask because she is “The Princess” she is an archetype, and though we can learn many good lessons from her, but she is not real.  When I came to this realization in my life, I became so much freer, I could start to move forward and be the woman God made me to be. A person, who is just a piece of clay which still being kneaded into something beautiful.  I was brought up that as a woman if I did not get up two hours early and have a quiet time I was not a good Christian, now this not to say that TAG (Time Alone with God) time is good thing, because it is, but I have ADD and doing any task repetitively  drives me nuts, this goes down with TAG time, sitting down every morning to read my bible becomes a chore and not real time with my Savior. I found ways that work better for me, I meditated (focus) on a single passage, I pray a lot ( I wear a head covering to remind me I am not my own), and I love people where they are at and listen. I am not on the hunt for a man, even if their are men in my life, who I would love to have a deeper relationship with, but I don’t need them, I need my savior. I am also so not perfect, I am a messy person (because again ADD) and fifteen hour days, I curse, I pull out my wedgies, I scratch my bum, I have bad breath (coffee people) and stupid people drive me nuts. I am no “Princess”. Some people will point out because I am a child of God, I am a child of the King, yes and all true, but I am also a lowly rotten maggot, who is not deserving of grace or forgiveness.  I was given a free gift, and had my Sin debt erased, by the blood of my Savior. It is this idea that we are “Princess”, which has made a whole generation entitled nitwits, in the church, who will not look at the beautiful imperfection, which we are and see that beautiful imperfection is in the people around us, men are not all Warrior Poets, even are biblical examples were womanizing, murders, thank you David.

           We are human, beautifully imperfect and saved by grace, not by expecting perfection, because if you seek perfection, you will only find imperfection and failure, will never be content with what God has given you and miss the people he has placed in your life.  You may have a very full life, or not will to take down the walls and allow healing in your life, because you are so caught up in being perfect archetype. Archetypes are not real and meant to teach lessons, by showing us an ideal, not reality, but we have been taught in this last generation that an ideal is expected, which I hate tell folks is a big fat lie. Jesus loves us, right where we are beautifully imperfect and since we should model our lives after Him, we need to love others where they are, which includes the mushy gushy feeling we call love.

So in the next few weeks, as we start to see pink and I feel like I want to vomit, I plan to write about being single, so pray for me as I delve into a topic that hurts and forces me talk about my pain and soap-boxes.

Birthday 32

So I am 32 and no where near where I thought I would be a year ago. I thought and prayed that I would be still in New Mexico and working out my master theses, possibly on John Donne, who is a poet with a seedy past, who turned his life around and became amazing preacher.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend

Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.

I, like an usurpt town, to another due,

Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,

Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,

But am betroth'd unto your enemy:

Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,

Take me to you, imprison me, for I

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
John Donne

I have had the Lord shut the door on those dreams (hopefully for only a time being, and some day they will open again.) The Lord has given me new ones, I don't know where they will go but He will be there and that is all that matters.
Those dreams are, I have found hope again. I had lost my hope for a future, I believed that my dreams which had been promised to me were done. When ever a meet someone, who I had any a mount of romantic feelings for I was so worried and scared that I would freak out, but in this year that has end or at lest with this round ( and don't think anything will come of it but the peace which has come this this flirtation is amazing and if that is the only lesson I learn than its a good thing.)

That is biggest dream I have found and learned to not give up hope.

Another "J"

So in the last few weeks I have found myself enjoying a little bit of light flirting with a co-worker of my, who joined my work while I was off in the Land of Enchantment. This Guy, who seems like and truly nice guy not only does he fall into another “J” on my list of “J” (why do like guys with “J” names, I ask myself for the millionth time, because they tend to be bad news for me), but he is cute, sweet, and I get truly honest good guy vibe off him. Now I come to find out he is engaged (thank you Lord for my BA in English and research skills, yes some people call it stalking, details, details people). Part of me wanted to tell him to go fark himself and look in the mirror, or did I miss read the signals. I don’t think I miss read anything, but he might have gotten the wrong impression that I was “That Kind of Girl”, while to the anther “J” the answer is fark no!!!

 I have standers, I may still may be learning what flirting is in some ways still and my ability to judge a guy ignitions may not be the greatest, but I am a wonderfully made being in the image of my heavenly father and I am loved by Him. That is what matters. I now know that guys who can cook are sexy and have dish pan hands are hot, but I will not let that fool me again. I am not the kind of woman, who goes after guys in relationships because I have been the other woman once, not by choice I had no clue at the time, but hated myself two years later when I found out. A guy, who flirts with other women, while they are in a relationship, just bad news, and what sadden me is that this “J” is teaching his daughters that it’s okay for a man to do this and it’s not. Any man who does even with good intentions is a not only a jerk, but has not respect for women or himself, let alone the sanctity of a relationship (at any level).

Women, who are like me and fell that we are somewhat cursed to be single, we have to come together and stand strong. I am coming to the conclusion that girlfriends are for friendships, and guys are not, but are for dating. I miss the close knit group I left behind in the Land of Enchantment and on the Mountain.  I know if they were here they would have gone out and solved “J” statist a long time ago.  I also think we have forgotten in our culture and time, what we need to do and that we are not in competition together but sisters standing for our Lord.

Birthday Blog 2015

      The year, which changed everything. This time last year, I was stuck in the Land of Enchantment with almost no friends and feeling lost. I have been blessed with a close knit group of friends, we try to spend at least one night a week together watching movies or just hanging out being girls. I have grown closer to my surrogate sister and had to hold her hand as she deals with her own heart break.  My other surrogate sister who I only met a year ago, I have had to hold her hand as she has experienced more death in six months than anyone deserves and still managed to stand strong. Now I feel that all my closest friends have reached mile stones some good, more bad but all points that I know the Lord will use for his glory.

“Surely there is a future, And your hope will not be cut off. “ Proverbs 23:18

What I have learned this year, in no particular order

• ·         Be Brave and Trust in the Lord
• ·         The Lord is in Control of every storm
• ·         That the Lord has a Plan for every heart break
• ·         And you can learn from every person you meet, even if you chose to keep them at arm’s length
• ·         You can gain peace from rejection
• ·         Loving people who hurt others is hard
• ·         Forgiving people is hard, but loving after forgiving is harder
• ·         Truth is beautiful
• ·         The old saying is true, you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar
• ·         Your Ex’s make for great inspiration for stories

        Things that I need to learn in the next year, or however long it takes

“5Conduct yourselves with wisdom toward outsiders, making the most of the opportunity. 6Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” Colossians 4:5-6

• ·         Love everyone, even the hypocrites; love them more when want strangle them
• ·         Always look for the light as you walk through the woods
• ·         The Lord is the always in control
• ·         The Lord has a better plan for you than the one you write for yourself
• ·         Hard work can pay off
• ·         How to edit my own work and find a comma splice and run-ons
• ·         How to apply literary theory to literature
• ·         How to Trust in the Lord with all my heart
• ·         Enjoy your relationships where there at, and let God lead them forward. And not you or your well-meaning friends.

I have many things to learn and most of my lesson I need to learn are more about trust, which has more with many of my deep rooted problems. This next year will be a year that changes everything, I will either move forward in academia or have to let the Lord close another door in my life. I will see my relationships change and my circle of friends move forward with life whether we like it or not. We will have to trust in the Lord, because life is changing and new roads are being made, life will show its colors and the painting will be a master piece even if we cannot see it now. I pray that in the years to come I will look on this coming year with joy, hope and faith. Life will change and God will be given glory.  

  

Drama, Drama, Drama every where and not a sign of peace

Week Three of All the Drama:

It is not even three weeks into the school year, and people are hurting.

·         One Guy is hurting or somewhat depressed not sure which or Why

·         Two Girls have been cheated on by their boyfriends

·         Three people have been killed in connection to a car accident

·          Four people have roommate issues

·         And much more…

All of this has happen with in my circle of friends (which means if you know the names of the people mention please do not bring up the names or spread gossip) with in the last week and just show me how much pain there is on my campus.  So many people are hurting and this pains me to see, since as fellow believers we should comforting each other and loving on each other, but in stead we are hurting and pulling others down and looking down on the non-believers with such hate that you could power a small country if we could hooked you up to a generator.

You will rarely see me look back on my NTBI days with joy since how painful my exit was, but one thing I do remember fondly is “Random Conversations” we would about once a semester or more, all of my friends would end up on the stage in the auditorium and sit in a circle and talk, with no judgement, no malice, no hate but just letting go and giving God our pain and praying for each other and nothing would go beyond that stage. We would talk about everything under the sun from movies and crazy thing happening, but would always end up to how can, I pray for you, not your roommate, not your random friend, not your random cousin, but you.

I don’t see this happening on my campus and I would like to see this start, so if you want to join me tomorrow in the park at six in the evening please do and we can love on each other as Jesus did with no judgement, no malic and no hatred. 

Millennials Generation

     As some of you may know, I have lived all over this country and have friends, from many backgrounds and all branches of Christianity. One of my friends from MS recently shared an online magazine article, Here’s How the New Christian Left is Twisting the Gospel, by Chelsen Vicari. Vicari makes a few valid points, if not general points, yes: members of the Millennials generation is leaving, in larger numbers, Vicari places the blame on the “traditional” church, pop culture, and that they are taking Christ out of church.

       The first big issue with Vicari argument is she splits the church into political parties, then splits the “left wing” Christian into three different groups, couch potato Christians, Cafeteria style Christians, and Conventional Christians (what she is).  Vicari main issue is that all Millennials generation, who have left “traditional” churches, because they believe homosexuality is not a sin, sexuality, coexistent are all just fine and dandy things. Vicari states,

“Millennials' religious practices depend largely on how the actions make us and others feel, whether the activities are biblical or not. For example, we only attend churches that leave us feeling good about our lifestyle choices, even if those choices conflict with God's clear commandments. We dismiss old hymns that focus on God's transforming salvation, love and mercy and opt for "Jesus is your boyfriend" songs,” 

This statement is very one side view, and largely diminish the strengths of this generation, my generation. My Millennials generation, is a generation, which is about being, who truly are and not being fake and not judging people because of that, which is very much a Christ like attitude, which is something that traditional churches don’t always do. There was a story of a rant coming from one of my undergrad biblical professors, who thought that any worship leader, who followed the trend not ware shoes to remind them that the church is holy ground, was a great disrespect to the church.  For many Millennials it is not about feeling good, but about being real. I am the first to say that some may take this too far, but most that I know this not the case. We believe homosexuality is wrong and a sin, but only way to reach that people group is by love, just like Christ did he would not have judge a roman male, who kept slave for homosexual reasons, he would have loved just as he was because he was created in His Fathers image. If this a liberal view point, so call me a liberal. I currently serve on a worship team, and know that we would never sing songs about Jesus be our boyfriend, not only would a little odd with the other three members being straight males, but because we don’t see worship like that again Vicari is generalizing and throwing a whole generation under the bus.

Vicari, does make the point that Millennials generation was taken to church by their families, but what she forgot point out that the past generation was also a swing generation, leaving free love Hippies of the 60’s to the extreme conservatism of the 80’s they threw the baby out with bath water, and said that everything, which came out of 60’s was bad. The Millennials generation, went back to a few hippie trends like, organic food, green living and environmental conservation neither of wings would say that these trends are bad things, if not taken to extremes.  This movement is just another movement of the pendulum, going the other way of the past generation, could this swing go too far maybe. What we must find is a balance of strong doctrine, based in the truth of word of God and not in the legalism of man, which very much rampant in the “traditional” church that Vicari is such strong supporter for. What need to do is stop this swinging and find the balance of Love your neighbor as yourself, which is the second greatest commandment, the other is love God as yourself.

Vicari would like to argue that the Millennials generation is taking Christ out of the church, but I would like to argue from my personal experience that they are bring back, Christ to the church, how they are not a judgmental group, who love as Christ loved. 

http://www.charismamag.com/life/culture/22494-how-the-new-christian-left-is-twisting-the-gospel